“This year presented a number of challenges,” revealed TIME magazine’s Editor-In-Chief, Jim Sawchuck, discussing his magazine’s selection for Person of The Year, “Is getting punched in the nose worse than being kicked in the teeth worse than having your eyes glued open in front of a television playing a continuous reel of American election coverage, which you are then informed is not a parody? For example.”
While admitting that it was hard to see past Elon Musk for revolutionizing automobile manufacuring, reinventing battery technology, and leading mankind in our initial steps towards interplantary existence, Sawchuck stated, “The simple truth is Elon was found lacking in the crucial categories of late-night tweet-storms, repetition of baseless and misleading information, flagrant megalomania, and overall lowering of humanity’s common denominator.”
The TIME selection committee, who also play together in a dodgeball league under the name The Devil’s Advocates, named a number of other worst-case scenarios as the closest competitors to Trump for the annual honour.
“Losing your child in a crowded train station was a strong contender. As was chopping off the end of your finger with a bread knife while swimming in a vat of vinegar.” Listed Sawchuck, while making a sandwich of moldy bread and off-meat which he would go on to win a Michelin star for.
“But those things are events, not persons, and are also difficult to photograph effectively. While we understand this is a controversial selection, it seems clear from the negative response we’ve received over this year’s choice that many people aren’t aware of the full title of the honour.” Turning to his desk he holds up a copy of the upcoming TIME issue, and with a showman’s flair, reveals that the cover is a fold out. When opened the headline now reads: “Person Who Sells The Most Magazines Of The Year.” He fist pumps, and makes a cha-ching sound.