12:00 AM EST – Donald Trump accuses Obama of hiding his hairline for malicious purposes.
1:30 AM – North Korea launches first intercontinental ballistic dishwasher. Warns next time it will have dishes in it.
1:31 AM – South Korea demands to know how the North gained access to a modern appliance.
2:45 AM – Russian Ambassador Kislyak tweets a photo of himself sitting on Santa’s knee.
2:55 AM – Santa recuses himself from Christmas.
3:30 AM – Congress passes bill requiring all mentally-ill Americans receive sniper training and live in belfry towers with 360° views.
4:00 AM – Server hosting Canadian Immigration site melts through earth’s crust.
5:30 AM – Trump tweets: “I have a great feeling about today. Just a hunch. Just a feeling I’ve got. You’re going to love today.”
5:31 AM – Russia annexes United States.
6:00 AM – Millions of Americans wake up, check phones, hit ‘Snooze: 4 Years.’
Photo Credit: Ludosphère