In a developing story that could finally explain the supposed need millions of Americans have for being within arms reach of lethal force in their homes, cars, businesses, beds, kitchen drawers, and socks; it turns out many may have actually thought the issue at hand was fun rights. As well as the right to bear charms.
“What do you mean there’s no National Trifle Association?” said one man upon having the matter clarified. “But Charlton Heston. That guy said he’d give them his fun when they pried it from his cold, dead hands. That man loves trifles. And hopscotch. And just laughing for no reason.” Here the pained citizen began to listen to himself. He paused. He realized. He repented. “Oh my god it’s true. He was talking about guns. What have we done?”
With word spreading quickly across the heavily armed nation, liberal pundits and politicians were quick to express relief that this was all just a big mix-up.
Chuck Schumer extended an easy out, perhaps hoping that by handling the embarrassing situation gently the road to finally bringing fatal weapon controls to a nation that likes to see itself as a pinnacle of modern achievement, might not have to be lined with spent shell-casings.
“Sure I understand how you could mishear. Here, try this out. ‘If fun is outlawed, only outlaws will have fun.’ Still works right? Or, ‘Fun doesn’t kill people. People kill people.” Here he pauses. “Ok, that one’s still logically unsound. But you get where I’m going with this.”
Jon Stewart was less considerate in his language. “Thank god. Because for 238 years there I thought we were out of our fucking minds.”