Principled Politicians May Be Next As Chinese Aphrodisiac Market Looks To Replace Rhino Horns With New Rarity

The mayor’s office bristles with armed guards, wearing Tilley hats and khaki cargo shorts full of ammunition and trail mix. A van backfiring two blocks away sends a nervous, but situationally-aware ripple through the moustachioed mercenaries, hired to protect one of the last few Principled Politicians still living in the wild. 

“We’ve tried mating them in all-inclusive resorts,” says Jenny Albright, a conservationist who has led the movement to increase the numbers of dwindling population of leaders who see themselves as servants of the people, rather than the other way around. “But with only limited success. Even if we’re able to get any other humans to be sexually attracted to this generally ‘dorky’ breed of politician, there’s no guarantee the resulting offspring will be principled as well. And if they are the chances of those decent children wanting to enter the current world of politics is effectively not-a-one-in-hell.”

With their natural habitat of considered education, decency, and self-sacrifice dwindling as more and more nation’s resources are poured into general assholery, the few remaining Principled Polis live, reliably and conscientiously, in increasingly confined and narrow corridors. And exist in fear that bounty hunters, driven by an increasingly lucrative Asian aphrodisiac market, will pick them off while going about their normal routine of assisting elderly constituents across the street, standing by their word, leading a rousing rendition of We Are One in the primary school assembly, and birthing babies with one hand while signing into law far-reaching bills that may not be immediately popular but in the long run are the right thing to do. 

“Big money. Big, big, big money,” says one Toronto-based broker, who specializes in selling weird shit for even weirder purposes, as he discusses the black market value that parts of an Principled Politician can fetch. “We’re talking over $10,000 a toenail, and as much as $25,000 if it’s a good-sized big toe that hasn’t been clipped in awhile.” Even he pulls a face at the thought, but admits he’d give a pedicure to a hungry tiger for $25,000, if that was what it took. And he isn’t alone.

“It used to be all about the Rhino horns,” says a Shanghai-based associate of the Toronto broker, who may or may not be interested in buying the back hair clippings of Calgary’s Mayor, Naheed Nenshi, but would prefer to buy the whole man if he could be captured without bruising his hide. “But as the count of Principled Politicians dropped below a couple of dozen, we’ve seen demand for things like their belly-button lint go through the roof. And with the business of politics increasingly going to the dogs – the kind that only stop barking to lick their balls – I don’t think we’re going to see many more Honest Politicians enter the food chain any time soon. And that means the price of their eyebrows is only going up.”


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Photo: stokkete / 123RF Archivio Fotografico

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