Doug Ford Expected To Announce This Friday That He Is Rob Ford’s Brother

dougieA leaked transcript from a speech Doug Ford is expected to deliver this coming Friday has revealed that the former Toronto City Councillor is going to the better part of three hours reminding everyone who his brother was.  

“Let’s start with John Tory, Justin Trudeau, Olivia Chow, Fred Penner, and Peter Mansbridge. None of those guys (and one gal) are Rob Ford’s brother,” the transcript reads, followed by an annotation that reminds Doug to pause for applause. 

“Moving on. Conor McGregor, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Pete Rose, Jaromir Jagr? Keep looking folks, not a match. Getting colder, and I’m not talking about the weather here guys.”

The speech goes on like this for over two hours, with Ford at times veering into fictitious characters (ruling out a relationship between Rob Ford and Lion-O of Thundercat fame, and saying that Mr. Snuffaleupagus was way out of line with recent comments the popular mammoth made during a now-infamous drunken rant on Santa Monica blvd captured last month on bystander video, in which he infers he might be a hitherto-secret brother to Rob).

If he sticks to his script Doug also intends to read sections of the book of Genesis in which ancient genealogies are laid out in lengthy succession, to further illustrate his point that very, very few people are directly related to Rob Ford.

“Well,” Dougie is to summarize, somewhere around the 175 minute mark of his ancestral-opus, “I’d like to conclude [pause for applause] by letting everyone know [pause for water] that as of today I am throwing my hat in the circle-thing [long pause] to run [rude laughter a possibility here] for Rob Ford’s brother. Of Toronto. In 2018. To eradicate gravy. Thank you.”

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