City Council Calls Emergency Session After Four Cars Struck By Pedestrians In 24 Hours

The first incident occurred late on Friday afternoon, as a reckless runner sped down a Parkdale sidewalk at nearly 10,000 meters an hour. A large black truck, resplendent in its gorgeous chrome detailing, a rolling wonder of modern engineering, was driven at pace through a stop sign, its driver having easily ascertained there were no other vehicles in danger at the otherwise quiet intersection, and in a rush to get home to polish his truck’s knob. 

The runner, who after the incident quoted some ancient by-law about having right of way due to her already having entered the intersection, pulled up short to avoid breaking the right front headlight of the pristine automobile. The driver, busy piloting his $48,000 MSRP work of art, naturally did not notice the person, much as the regal grizzly bear notices not the potato bugs as he sweeps through the forrest on his way to Winners.

“So I slapped the hood of the truck to get the driver’s attention,” the runner stated to police shortly before being removed from society for 34 years to think about what she had done.

While the truck is reportedly in stable condition, its driver is said to still be recovering from the near miss. 

“She could have dented the bumper. She could have scratched the paint. I mean, I just turtle-waxed. Some of these pedestrians have rings on their fingers. They can’t just go around touching cars. Where does it stop? It’s getting so you can’t drive at a lethal rate of speed through a neighbourhood anymore.”

With three additional incidents having occurred across the city between Friday and Saturday morning, in which reckless pedestrians struck cars in anger or simply by not being able to get out of the way, Toronto council has called an emergency meeting for Monday morning to try to find a way to secure the safety of the city’s vehicles.

“We’ve got to find a solution,” councillor Giorgio Mammoliti said from his car as he drove around shopping for a new car. “We can’t go on like this. Cars are being endangered on a daily basis by reckless pedestrians smashing through front windscreens head first, or getting trapped in vehicles undercarriages, creating a situation where the driver loses valuable minutes of their day waiting for emergency services to arrive and clean up the mess.’

Saying he planned to bring a motion to ban pedestrians from pedestrianizing anywhere within three meters of a stopped car, and five meters from one actively engaged in the sublimely beautiful act of motoring, Mammoliti ended the brief interview with a call to wheels.

“Take heart, fellow drivers. We will not let your metal avatars be endangered by the soft bags of flesh and bones who routinely launch themselves into your path. Council will take all necessary measures to maintain a clear space into which you can accelerate with abandon while looking fantastic in your leather recliners and air-conditioned comfort, as you nobly attempt to reclaim time itself. Or, barring that, at least get to be first in line at the Tim Horton’s drive thru.”

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