“I like to think every day is World Mental Health Day,” Trump announced to his comb early this morning while performing his daily ablutions, shortly before unleashing a tweetstorm directed at his own necktie for having the impertinence to be red when he specifically asked it to fix Obamacare.
“My IQ is greater than Rex Tillerson’s, the Vegas shooter was probably pretty smart too, and if you don’t stop looking at me that way Mr. Tie then you my narrow red friend are going to pay bigly,” the president continued as he paraded around his bathroom wearing nothing but a pressed shirt, y-fronts, and poorly knotted piece of silk around his neck.
“Keeping quiet today aren’t you? A little tongue-tied? Just like all those GOPers riding my coattails to the ballot box. Float like a billboard, sting like champagne in your eyes, that’s me. Mental health? Mental wealth more like it. I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo.”
The president continued his babbling brook of consciousness throughout much of the day, including a news conference in which he addressed mental health as an issue that he was “hoping to solve by the end of my first term in office, and if not definitely by the third.”
“Look folks,” the least stable man to ever wear a suit in public said to a roomful of reporters who have permanently lost their ability to be shocked, and are mostly holding on to reality by only the very loosest of gold tassels that the president has festooned the entire White House in.
“It’s like I told my tie earlier this morning. You can talk about wanting to run naked through Times Square all you want, but it in the end, the real question you should be asking yourself isn’t are you mentally healthy. It’s are you mentally wealthy? Amirite? Iamrite.”
With that the world’s strangest leader since England’s Henry VI, produced a ceremonial pair of scissors, sliced the end off of his hapless neck wear, and calmly ate it in silence before declaring he would be taking no further questions for the duration of October, before staring blankly at the back wall until everyone present had quietly filed out.