Apple Admits Most Of The Time They’re Just Asking For Your Password To Fuck With You

“Mostly, we’re just really, really bored,” admitted Apple’s public relations director, Jim Book, in a Palo Alto press conference early on Thursday morning. “Obviously. Why else would we ask you to enter your password less than a minute after you last entered it? For the 487th time that day?”

Book’s statement marks the first public admission by the tech giant of what many users have long suspected: they are officially fucking with you. 

“It’s ridiculous,” says Fred Lopez, standing outside a Halifax-area Apple store. “Basically whenever I’m in a rush, want to listen to music, or need to call 911 because I’ve witnessed a horrible accident and people are bleeding to death in front of me, those are the moments my phone decides now would be a great time to conduct a random security audit.”

While data is scarce on the issue, with the infamously insular company releasing no raw numbers on just how many people have thrown their phone against the wall for asking them to provide a password so they can download a free app, Thursday’s acknowledgement matches up with recent reports from former employees.

“Most days we’d just sit around, watching these huge floor to ceiling monitors, listening in on people’s lives, trying to work out how to convince them to spend $1000 on a new phone when they just spent $750 two months ago. Not easy work. And y’know, we’d get bored man,” says a former Apple technician who asked that we withhold his name.

“So we’d mixed things up a bit. We called it ‘throwing a wobbly.’ We’d ask users for their password right when they were trying to get off an important email, or just as they were about to get the last UBER active in an entire city. And if it were a really slow night, sometimes – and I’m not proud of this – we’d just tell them the password was incorrect. Even though it was right. I know. I’m sorry.”

As the news broke, the initial response from most Apple users was that they can never forgive the tech giant for this unacceptable, and intentional, intrusion into their lives. Many rushed to online forums to voice their dismay that a company to which they had given such large percentage of their last ten year’s earnings would treat them in such a manner. It’s reported that few were able to publicly lodge their complaints though, as a login screen appeared, asking them for their password. 


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