Man Just Wishes There Was Something He Could Do To Help Women Other Than Significantly Change

67429623 - young man with a problem
“I just wish I could help,” said an entire society’s-worth of men today as the hashtag #MeToo continued to force everyone to agree that something should probably be done to prevent an entire gender from being harassed and assaulted with a regularity that would be shocking if it weren’t so accepted.

“If only there was something we could do,” millions of men said to their girlfriends, wives, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, coworkers, favourite bartenders, and fellow passengers trapped in a rolled-over bus while waiting for help to arrive. “Other than significantly change the way we operate as a gender.”

While some men were quick to volunteer to swim across the Pacific Ocean wearing a meat suit to raise money for women’s shelters, and others offered to fast until the problem was resolved or lunchtime, which ever came first, the general consensus by the end of Monday was that neither of these noble deeds were likely to resolve the root cause of the problem. This has led many men to question just what else they could possibly do to help. 

“If climbing Mt. Everest naked isn’t going to effect change, I’m just not sure what will,” said Tim Elliot, of Everywhere, Ontario, speaking to his seat mate in row 12 on a flipped Greyhound coach that had been bound for Toronto prior to becoming inverted on the shoulder of the highway. 

“Clearly it’s awful that pretty much every woman I know has been the subject of unwanted attention, groping, assault, or rape. But I just don’t know how I’m supposed to stop other guys from acting that way. I don’t do any of those things personally, other than maybe the occasional bit of unwanted attention, and yes I suppose I have groped on occasion but it wasn’t like they didn’t like it. No I don’t think that’s assault, and rape is a pretty strong word for a drunken romp after she stopped saying no. Where the hell are the firefighters? It is really getting warm in here. Are you warm? I’m very warm.”

Shaking his head at how off-base his buddy is, Dave Brown, woke co-worker of the suddenly uncomfortable Tim, steps into the gap left by Mr. Elliot as he excuses himself to start searching for an easier way out of the overturned bus. 

“Tim doesn’t get it. I do though. I’ve never groped anyone and meticulously avoid creepiness in all of my dealings with women at all times. But I too am at a loss as to what I can do to stop other men from being assholes. I’ve already tried not speaking up when other guys act like dicks, and abetting a culture of objectification by tacitly agreeing that sex sells. What else can I not do to effect change?”

Tim and Dave were not alone in their sense of helplessness. Today an entire gender joined them in agreeing that without a seismic shift in norms, #MeToo will never become #MeNeither.

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