NRA Vindicated By Proof That Armed Civilians Can Prevent Massacres Of More Than 26 People

“Thank God there was a man with a gun in the right place at the right time to make sure that more than 26 people didn’t die by gunfire yesterday in Sutherland Springs,” said Wayne Lapierre today, sounding remarkably lucid for someone speaking from the deepest corners of his own ass. 

“If anything this just proves something that we here at the NRA have been saying for years: If more citizens were suitably armed, and carried their weapons with them at all times, and didn’t have the light in their eyes, and hadn’t had too much coffee, and were completely certain who the bad guys are in a situation full of un-uniformed strangers, we could end the scourge of mass shootings that claim more than 26 lives.”

“Could have been so much worse,” echoed perhaps the least empathetic person to ever wear skin yesterday from Japan, as Donald Trump took time out of swishing saliva around in the back of his mouth to address the latest horrific mass shooting to occur in his nation (once great, now unable to enact basic laws to ensure public safety).

“Hundreds could have died,” Trump continued, scratching at the ear piece through which Lapierre whispers gun lobby talking points to the him, cranking up the volume anytime a mass shooting threatens to make the obvious extra, extra, extra bloody obvious: a well-armed populace guarantees nothing more than higher rates of lethal violence.

With the current appetite for discussing the subject of guns in the United States sitting at ‘I’d rather receive a battlefield disembowelment if you don’t mind,’ many Americans made it clear that today they were not only mourning the 26 people killed in Texas on Sunday – they were mourning the death of a system of government that at least pretends to want to prevent its citizenry from regularly dying in hails of bullets while going about their lives. 

In a literal sign of the times, that an anonymous protester climbed a pro-NRA billboard in Boulder, Colorado, and spray painted one of Homer Simpson’s most enduring quotes in three-foot-high black letters across the mostly red ad:

“I believe the children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”

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