In a move that can only be described as utterly catastrophic and heralding the beginning of the death march for the bilious animal that is humanity as a whole, Donald Trump today stumbled upon the popular social media app Instagram, and immediately added the ability to send photos of his bare buttocks to millions of people to his repertoire of ways to invade the personal space of every single person on earth at any given moment.
The discovery took place shortly after the president unleashed his daily tweet storm – aimed at people he really should just leave the fuck alone because he’s the Goddamn President of the United States (a title made official last week when God spoke up for the first time in two millennia to officially damn the man, and ask him to please just shut up for one hot minute so the man upstairs could think about how things went so awry).
Reports from inside the White House are now emerging that a junior aide was responsible for the doomsday-hastening breach in protocol.
“I was showing the president photos of my children decorating the house for Thanksgiving,” confessed the aide, who expressed a desire to remain anonymous for much the same reasons as the pilots of the Enola Gay. “And I happened to get an Instagram alert right then. The president asked me what it was about, so I showed him. He puckered his lips, squinted at the screen, and then turned to me and said: ‘you mean I can send pictures as well as thoughts?’ And that was when I knew that I had made a very grave mistake.”
While Trump has had an Instagram account for some time, it’s well known that his staff had hitherto managed to hide this fact from him by telling him that Obama was hardly ever on there to successfully dissuade him from using the most potent form of visual communication ever created. Until now.
“What do you mean they have sponsors,” the president said, arriving on the feeds of the Kardashians. “Companies pay you to take pictures of yourself with things? How the hell am I just finding out about this? That is literally a dream I’ve been having since I was three. Every day I wake up thinking maybe I’m crazy, maybe life isn’t just about getting rich and being an asshole and now you’re telling me ‘no Donald you aren’t crazy, you’re just a little behind the times?’ Start taking pictures of me, everyone, right meow. And don’t stop until I feel like a winner.”
Foreign leaders, including Germany’s Angela Merkel, England’s Theresa May, and Australia’s Hugh Jackman, were quick to congregate in a safe part of the Internet – away from Trump’s unfettered narcissism (A private reddit sub group called ‘How do you solve a problem like Donaldah).
“Shut it all down,” said Merkel, using the handle ChancellorFFS.
“I agree, let him have the web,” said Theresa May, “We’ll just make another one, and not invite him or Putin.
“Lets not be hasty. Some of us have 14.9 million IG followers you know?” Responded Hugh Jackman, adding a complicated sequence of emojis that involved numerous eggplants and shooting stars.
“Stow it Hugh,” Merkel said. “This is a matter of international security and sanity. You’ll get your followers back on the new web, and frankly I think you could do with a social media detox. I’ve noticed you’re starting to look a little orange. Yes a break for the sentient cheeto, and the rest of us, is a fine idea. I believe we’re in agreement. I’m pulling the plug in 3, 2, 1….”