“Anything less than a medal sweep will be a disappointment,” said COC president Tricia Smith from deep inside an antlered moose onesie, midway through her third bag of Chicago mix and season two of Stranger Things, with her phone on silent and all social obligations put off until the day after Wiarton Willie looks for his shadow in February 2018.
“As any Canadian will tell you, a proper hunker doesn’t just happen on its own. It takes years of dedicated practice, following a strict regimen of carb-loading for months on end, late rises, and not leaving the home under any circumstances whatsoever.”
Sponsored by Uber Eats, the Canadian Hunkering team is expected to be one of the best funded of this nation’s sports federations at the Pyongyang Games this coming February, outstripping perennial powerhouses skiing and hockey by a factor of ten.
“Our training compound of three-cushioned couches, fleece blankets, and unshovelled walkways with dozens of unrolled newspapers stacked by the door, is absolutely the best in the world,” declared newly-elected team head Stephen Harper while methodically shovelling President’s Choice meat lasagna into his mouth.
“Many of our athletes have begun simulating the conditions of Pyongyang by setting their Netflix subtitles to Mandarin, and learning to say ‘I’m going to stay in, I think it’s supposed to snow,’ in all of the regional dialects of China. But to be honest calling in sick every Monday for four months is pretty much the same wherever you are in the world. I predict an extremely successful campaign.”
While the Danish team is expected to mount a formidable challenge, with their term ‘hygge’ – which means ‘hunker’ in Scandihooligan – having gotten much attention over this past year, Harper says to not believe the hype.
“That’s the Danes for you, all guttural sounds and no action. They’ll be so busy eating smoked fish they won’t know what’s hit them. As I say, Canada has a multi-faceted weedroots approach to hunkering that is simply the best in the word. Once again, we expect total domination in this event. Everyone else better, well….hunker down.”