“Two. The answer is two. That is the precise number of shits I give. Like, who cares you know? It’s two people getting married in another country on the other side of a vast ocean, who really gives a flying hoot? Not me, I’ll tell you that much, not this guy right here, oh ho no,” said Toronto-area man Jim Smorrison, to no one in particular while riding the 501 streetcar to work early on an otherwise lovely Tuesday.
Experts say that between Jim’s waking at 6:53 AM, and passing out in front of the TV while browsing the trending twitter hashtag #MarkleSparkle at 10:17 PM, the 34 year-old junior sales representative for Pfizer spent precisely 14 hours and 23 minutes either posting online regarding how little he cares about the recently announced royal wedding, telling work colleagues the same, phoning his mom to share his total disinterest with her, or just quietly mumbling to himself while perusing extensive glossy mags for full length photos of the fabulous couple.
“Well I just really, really don’t care,” the Suits superfan said when confronted with the statistical breakdown that would seem to indicate that he does, in fact, care quite a lot actually, but just isn’t able to admit it out of fear of giving away that he is in fact a closet monarchist; one who is secretly obsessed with the dashing young prince and soon-to-be princess.
“Two. Regarding shits given, the answer is two, just like I told everyone all day including the guy at the convenience store, an entire construction site’s worth of dudes, a traffic cop, fourteen dogs on fourteen separate occasions, and a tourist couple who were just trying to find the Hockey Hall Of Fame. But if that’s what it takes to make sure no one mistakes me for someone who cares about beauty and love and a modern romance that contains echoes of the fairytales of our youth overlaid onto the vast potential for humanitarian good and hope in general, then so be it.”
Smorrison picks up his phone to distract himself from how little he cares about the coming wedding. His newsfeed remains full of the graceful couple. He sighs heavily.
“Alright fine. It’s not the worst news I’ve ever heard. They look happy and my gran is going to be thrilled, and I’ll probably make a photo of those two my new locked screen. Are we done talking about it now?”