National Interest Low After Muslim Man Involved In Shooting Turns Out To Be The Victim

hamiltonshooting“Well, you can imagine if he’d walked out of that mosque and shot those two white dudes, instead of the other way around. I mean then we’d have a story,” said Ontario freelance media expert Dom Cherry, offering his opinion on why the murder of a young man in Hamilton hasn’t gained more national attention in the days following its occurrence.

“As it is we just have a couple of young guys, probably had a few too many brews, maybe a bit of a rough upbringing, and this brown guy thinks he can tell them to not bother the old people, and there ya go y’know? They probably didn’t mean to kill him. Warning shots can be tricky. Couple of bad apples, I’m sure they’re sorry. Verrrrrry different than if Yus…uh, Yern…er, what ever his name is, had used his religion to kill some Canadians. Then it’d be major news. Bit of crime’s all ya got here though y’know? Time to move on.”

At the time of this satirical story that is obviously the truth with some made-up quotes going to press, the Hamilton police had diligently worked through two days, minus breaks and naps, to come up with one suspect by Monday. They are reportedly hoping to nab the second suspect sometime before the end of the expected lifespan of the nineteen year-old victim, had he remained happily unshot, and lived out his days in peace (apart from hearing his culture and religion repeatedly denigrated by those running for public office in a country made of immigrants, and being repeatedly told to go back to where he’d come from by the supporters of the same).

“Sure,” Says Mr. Cherry, adjusting his garish tie while responding to concerns that there is a skewed value-system currently at work in Canada when it comes to reporting crimes by young Muslim men versus crimes against. “But that’s not my problem. I just selectively comment on the news when it suits me and my preset fears and values. Anyways back to the Leafs.”



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