In response to National Geographic’s viral video of an emaciated polar bear dragging itself across Somerset Island – reportedly trying to reach Elon Musk to ask if there’s any way it could be moved to a planet without human beings – the GOP today released photos of a portly polar bear which they say shows that everything is just fine thank you very much.
“As you can see in these pictures,” said Scott Pruitt, counter-inpruittive head of the United States Environmental Protection Agency, “This bear is absolutely thriving. His McDonald’s biggie size looks nearly full, his MAGA hat fits just wonderfully, and while he has trouble maintaining an erection, my agency has plans to fire Viagra pills into his hide from a safe distance once a week. What more could a fella want?”
Saying this is an example of the EPA working proactively to make the Arctic a better place, Trump was quick to pounce on the photos as evidence that all is well in the far north.
“Looky bear. Looky there. There’s a looky, looky bear,” the president said, in yet another statement that would be blamed on loose dentures but looked a great deal more like the final marbles dropping out of a cracked jar.
Stepping in to take over, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders was her usual abrupt, if totally nonsensical, self.
“The bear is a bear. You can see that. A polar bear. And he is fat. His name is Jimbob, and he has no real complaints other than Muslims, immigration, and fake news. The president stands by this statement, I won’t be taking any questions, and I suggest you all ask yourself what led you to this juncture where you are actually questioning the veracity of a beautiful photo of a bear wearing a red hat while happily drinking from a extra-large soft drink. What is wrong with you people? Where is your patriotism?”