“And even if he did, as we all know, the Princess would have done anything to not be trapped beneath that glass ceiling they had her under, let me tell you,” said a spokesperson for newly formed Disney-Fox News, possibly the worst creation in the history of man, and a certain sign the end is now extremely, very, perhaps thankfully nigh.
The spokesperson, wearing a wife-beater and working a wiggly tooth with a tongue the colour of old lunchmeat, was referring to a breaking news story being run on the grimly popular hate organ today, in which Prince Charming denied ever having met Sleeping Beauty, much less kissed her without her consent in an unsolicited attempt to wake her up so she could make him waffles.
Amid rampant speculation Mr. Charming is in fact an anachronistic, two-dimensional creation of someone’s imagination, the Prince himself took to Twitter early this morning in an attempt to get out ahead of a scandal that has been threatening to break since once upon a time.
“Lightweight Princess Aurora, a total flunky for King Stefan and someone who would come to my castle “begging” for help with Maleficent not so long ago (and would do anything for it), is now in the ring fighting against me. Very disloyal to Walt & Co-VHS!”
The story adds to a growing roster of childhood-innocence shattering news pieces the Disney-Fox News Network began running today, with Sean Hannity at one point questioning if Cruella de Vil was really all that bad a person.
“Basic economics people. She’s running a business, and is simply trying to keep her supply chain open. That communist Obama pinched her with laws and bad trade deals, but under Trump? Those American-made puppy pelts are aflowin’, let me tell you.”
With over a million DVDs currently in circulation in basements around the world, the fact that Prince Charming kissed Sleeping beauty without permission, would appear to be unassailable. But this did not impede the media giant from repeatedly returning to that story, or the late breaking news that Scar had been golfing when the wildebeests rioted, nearly trampling Simba and Mustafa. An event he later said he saw ‘both sides’ of.
“I wasn’t sure things could get any weirder,” said pretty much everyone contemplating the odd media marriage, and subsequent deluge of jarringly odd, reality-bending stories. “But then I’ve been saying that every day for the last year.”