“It’s gotten to the point we just answer 1967 to everything,” says Google Data Co-Ordinator For The Greater Canadian Region, eleven-year-old Tom Crews. “So yeah, there’s a lot of people out there who think Hazel McCallum looks pretty old for 50, and their taxes are really overdue.”
The monolithic giant that isn’t collecting your data like a farmer ruthlessly gathers ears of corn into a giant combine harvester and then burns the stalks, also revealed that there are a number of key variations to the most-asked question.
“Regional differences can be noted in the exact syntax used to log that particular query,” Mr. Crews states, speaking slowly so we can all keep up. “For example in southern Ontario the most asked question was: please God if you’re real and listening when did the Leafs last win the cup and can this be the year they do again I promise I’ll never ask for anything again? While in Alberta the most googled question was: how many glorious years has it been since those Toront-holes experienced joy?”
“As you can see, its the same basic question.”
Admitting that it’s strange that Leaf’s fans in 1968 were already looking up how long it had been since the team won a cup, despite their team having hoisted Lord Stanley’s stein just the year before and Google only being accessible by time machine to our current dystopia, Tom just says “that’s the six yo.” Whatever that means.
With superstar Auston Matthews primed to get the Leafs just close enough to tasting victory to really make this year hurt for 4.5 million people living by a lake, Google is already predicting zero change for 2018’s most-asked question.
“Other than an increased amount of profanity for searches originating from the Toronto-area, and ‘LOL’ being more often added in those coming in from the western segments of the country, we anticipate zero change in the query-leader until well into the 22nd century. Sorry Toronto. At least your houses cost more than yachts.”