Temperatures Overnight Expected To Drop As Low As Those Of Ron Joyce Jr.’s Heart


A cup of Timmies, warming up after being discarded by Ron Joyce Jr.

Citing windchill, bomb cyclones, polar vortexes, lake effect, and a convergence of greed, entitlement, and total lack of appreciation for basic optics, every weatherperson across Ontario was united in their evening forecast for the 4th of January: As cold as the warmest section of Ron Joyce Jr.’s heart. 

“Let me put it this way,” said Global TV’s Anthony Farnell, “Exposed avarice will freeze to your face in less than one poorly thought-out memo to your employees.”

CTV’s Tom Brown minced words no less, telling his viewers: “It’s going to be bitter one out there folks. As bitter as the millions of Canadians now waking up to the fact that their favourite coffee chain sold out to an American company years ago, and has been manipulating us through hokey commercials meant to take advantage of our natural good nature since. That bitter. Overnight high of -40.”

And in a final nail in the coffee tin, Dayna Vitesse at The Weather Network warned those at home to “just stay put people. You’re better off at home, unless you share a home with Ron Joyce Jr. in which case give him an extremely mean look and then leave immediately.” 

Reached for comment in Florida, Ron and his wife Jeri Joyce-Horton, the daughter of the chain’s founder, Mr. Tim Horton-Rolling-In-His Grave-Because-This-Isn’t-At-All-What-He-Envisioned-All-Those-Years-Ago, expressed bafflement at raising the ire of Canadians with their penny-pinching ways. 

“We just really don’t get it. Our employees are well looked after and enjoy the many advantages of working at a Tim Hortons franchise. Such as the food. That’s right. We’re saying let them eat donuts.”




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