Oprah Barred From Leaving The Beverley Hilton Until She Accepts Presidency

“But we have a president,” Oprah is reported to have said when confronted with a mob of concerned Americans who would not let her leave the site of the 2018 Golden Globe Awards without first agreeing to take over the currently vacant position of president of the United States. The impromptu but determined crowd of actors, hotel workers, and tourists said nothing in response, instead raising their eyebrows questioningly. Oprah sighed. “I see your point.”

The impetus of the impasse was Ms. Winfrey’s speech – delivered just moments earlier in the gold-gilded auditorium – in which she spoke clearly, incited hope, and reminded a watching world that the United States does still produce greatness, and not just loud, obnoxious folly. 

As she spoke, people stood. In the hall itself, and in the living rooms, bars, airports, malls and service stations of America, and the greater world beyond. For nine minutes, the pain of having a human toothache in the Oval Office, seemed to abate, as the (legitimately) self-made media mogul measured out stiff doses of hope, relief, and promise that the US will not always have to live with an impacted molar. She was magnificent. She was Orajel.

And when she was finished, all gathered knew what they had to do.

“Don’t let that woman leave until she agrees to be president,” said everyone, everywhere, all at once. 

“She doesn’t golf,” said one barricader matter-of-factly, explaining Ms. Winfrey’s qualifications for the position as he protected a revolving door at the main entrance to the Beverley Hills hotel. “She only tweets a handful of times a month, thinks about what she says before she says it, and surrounds herself with good people. It’s really not that hard.”

While the standoff was still ongoing at the time of this article going to press, Oprah was showing signs of cracking, saying that she really did need to get home to feed her dogs, and that if it mattered that much to everyone she supposed she could be a blazing ball of hope in an otherwise dark world. Here’s hoping. 


Photo credit: Kevork Djansezian/NBC/NBCU

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