Canada Relieved To Discover Racism Only Exists In One 11-Year-Old’s Imagination

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Imaginary men with an imaginary agenda of hate, protesting last summer in Quebec City. (Jacques Boissinot/Canadian Press)

Canada narrowly dodged a major social fissure today when Toronto Police concluded that hate crime number 447 reported against Muslims over the past three years in Canada, was in fact false.

“What a relief,” said people coast-to-coast who had been holding out hope that racism in this nation only exists in the imagination of one 11-year-old girl. “For a moment there I really thought we’d have to address this issue. But thanks to my righteous God of Convenience that is not the case and it is now clear to me that I can continue to act like things are all just hunky-dory up this-away, ad infinitum.”  

“That’s correct,” said a representative of the same police force that has insisted on retaining the ability to access records it illegally gained through a carding program that actively targeted racial minorities. “After a thorough review of the details of this case, we’ve determined that the events described did not in fact happen and cannot for the life of us imagine where an 11-year-old girl dreamed up the idea that a white man might want to cut off her hijab and tell her to go back where she came from.”

For their part, citizen cops across the country also conducted a large-scale investigation into racism in general, and after an exhaustive yahoo search for “Proof There’s No Such Thing As Racism In Canada,” arrived at the surprising conclusion that there’s simply no such thing as racism in Canada.

“It just goes to show that all these people worried about discrimination and whatnot should really put the past behind them,” said a man at a suburban car dealership in Toronto’s north end, bringing his shiny new 2018, 3.2 liter Privilege in for an oil change and turtle wax.

“Alls they gotta do is pull up their socks, or heejobs, or whatever, and stop giving excuses as to why there was a mass-shooting in their mosque, or their missing and murdered women go unlooked for and uninvestigated, or their children are more than twice as likely to live in poverty as those who are not racial minorities. It really is just as it was in this case: a bit of fiction the CBC and an 11-year old girl colluded on to trick us into questioning where this country is going. And I for one am glad I don’t have to consider my answer to now.”

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