NHL Admits Kid Rock Chosen After The Weeknd Refused To Grow Mullet, Wear Confederate Flag


The performance will take place in the cradle of hockey itself: Tampa Bay.

“In the end it came down to the fact that Mr. Rock already has really nice growth in the back, and was willing to trim the top and sides,” said an embattled Gary Bettman today as he dealt with the fallout from yet another decision made by carefully selecting the worst possible course of action. “And there are only so many times I am willing to be hung up on by Drake, The Weeknd, or Shania Twain.”

While not directly meant as an endorsement of Kid Rock – who has made no secret of his support for the undefeated featherweight champion of the US Presidency, Donaaaaaaaaaald Trump – Mr. Bettman said that as the league tries to expand its market into trailer parks and the curb in front of liquor stores, these are the sort of moves that are going to have to be made. 

Adding that he hoped everyone was able to get over this soon, possibly by returning their rage to the fact the league won’t let its players participate in the upcoming Olympics – an evergreen source of enormous disappointment that will certainly ensure another generation of hockey fans inherit their parent’s festering animosity for Gazza ‘The Ruiner Of Things’ Bettman – the league’s commissioner didn’t mince words when pressed to provide a more reasonable justification for hiring Kid Rock to play at the NHL All-Star game. 

“Cause I’m a cowboy, baby.”

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