It’s been a year since the longest continuous hedge of Cherry Laurel the world has ever seen, was planted along the Canadian-US border to provide, as one hedge-funder put it at the time, “that healthy bit of privacy that keeps neighbours neighbourly. That’s ‘neighbour’ with an ‘ou.’ You got that?” And a recent survey shows the shrubbery appears to be flourishing. Thank god.
“You’ve got to give credit where it’s due,” says Jim Freedman, of Cartwright, Manitoba, proud caretaker of subsection 291 of the 100th Meridien hedgerow. “Most of the growth is due to the high nitrogen content in the fertilizer the Trump administration has been dumping on us all year.”
Indeed, it has come by the truckload.
“At first the guys driving it up here were trying to drop it off under the cover of darkness,” says Mr. Freedman. “They said the US waste-disposal systems had been overwhelmed since Trump’s arrival, and that they’d been told to get rid of it any way they could. But we just told them to spread it evenly around the base of the hedge, and to keep ‘er coming.”
Planted into frozen ground last year by thousands of Canadians desperate to get a living division between themselves and a certain few Americans (62,979,879 to be exact), despite it’s chilly start the hedge has since thrived.
While many pundits expect this year’s US mid-terms to put a significant dent in the bumper crop of bullshit that has been emanating out of Washington since early 2017 – and feeding the hedge’s remarkable rise – the same experts agree that either way the shrubbery is now well and truly established. Indeed, the recent survey revealed the growth now sustains an average height of more than 12 meters along its entire length. From New Brunswick to Vancouver Island it stands; a verdant, evergreen declaration that that shit doesn’t fly around here. But you can grow a hedge with it.