During the first period intermission of this evening’s airing of Hockey Night In Canada – a game between one team ruined by Europeans and another destroyed by too many tutu wearing pansies, according to the guy we are about to segue to – Don Cherry decided to take on a less controversial topic: denying that he has ever worn a jacket that made people want to call the police. He also took a run at global warming.
“But Don,” Ron Maclean said, shifting uncomfortably as a phantom pain from his missing testicles indicated the barometer was dropping. “There are many studies which definitively show that your jackets are repulsive, and only getting more so as each year passes. That is just a fact. Much like climate change.”
Cherry, wearing the contents of a Fabricland discard bin, circa 1972, challenged Maclean to prove it.
“This is called art, I’ll have you know Ron. I was a brand before Russell. These suits aren’t horrible. They’re a national treasure. Just like the oil sands.”
The intermission was then brought to a hasty conclusion, as a catatonic Maclean slowly rocked back and forth in his swivel chair, staring at a spot somewhere high in the Hockey Night In Canada studio rafters.
But as the show returned to the game, a still-live mic picked up a final exchange between the long-running antagonists: “Plaid and paisley. You wear plaid with paisley you case-study in mutant Canadiana. I’ve had enough Don. It’s over. Take your fourteen tonnes of polyester that wishes it had never been born and leave before I jersey you with that abomination you’re currently wearing, and I tell you what really happened to Blue.” At that point the mic was finally cut, leaving the nation to picture the glorious image of Ron Maclean being pulled off of a bloodied Don Cherry.
Reached for comment, the CBC said to forward any complaints to Rogers, and Rogers asked that any questions or comments be sent directly to the CBC. For his part Cherry said he would be happy to be interviewed, but a quick review of everyone in Canada indicated no one gives a shit.