“It’s like the Trooper song says,” remarks Fleur Denise, the recently appointed head of the Northern Canadian Tourism Association. “We’re here for a good time, not a long time, especially since our species obviously has no intention of leaving any carbon in the ground and have made our peace with being baked like so many oysters Rockefeller, and faster than our grand children can say ‘what the hell were you thinking g-ma?'”
As temperatures over the Arctic rose to mandatory Canadian swimsuit weather this past week, the Northern Tourism association has seized the opportunity to show a more appealing side of their remote location, by placing large ads in prominent global media outlets promoting the tropical bliss that is the Arctic circle in February.
“Tired of winter?” reads one advertisement in the London Times, “Well we haven’t had one yet so c’mon over.”
“Who needs light?” reads another, this one in the Sydney Star, “When your temperatures are fire.”
And the one that has raised the most eyebrows: “Come visit the Arctic right now. It’s hot where the sun don’t shine.”
While admitting that the polar bears on the beach volleyball courts remain an issue, and the lack of a sunrise can make it hard for hard-partying revellers to know when to stop drinking, Ms. Denise says you come for the experience, but stay because there’s only one flight a week.
“Yeah, I mean that’s the schedule eh. Can’t do a whole heck of a lot about that unless they start flying more or something and Jim the pilot says he has squash on Tuesdays and Thursdays and ping-pong at the legion the other days so that’s a big no-can-do there guy.”
The specifics of the regional airlines scheduling conflicts out of the way, Fleur is quick to assure that no one will mind a week in paradise.
“There’s just so much to do. Tanning by the Northern lights really is the best, no sunscreen necessary. And watching glaciers melt – never to be seen again – is an experience you really don’t get used to. Lemme tell you, stroking the fur of woolly mammoths as they are exposed by the receding ice really makes you feel at one with extinction. So what are you waiting for? Book your ticket today!”