In an early morning slight that sent ripples of anger through Canada – a nation that has traditionally prided itself on being a lumberjack and that being ok – Donald Trump today announced that he will no longer refer to the Canadian side of the Great Lakes by their traditional qualifier, but will instead henceforward call them the Just OK Lakes.
“The president has his opinion on the lakes, and that is up to him,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders in a mid-morning press briefing, attempting to explain Trump’s seemingly unprovoked hostility towards the peacefully shared waterways.
“For example I know he likes to refer to the Canadian portion of the Rocky Mountains as the Bullwinkles. I don’t see a problem there, it’s just a turn of phrase. If you hang out with as many Ivy League stable geniuses as I do, you’ll quickly see that many of them have similar idiosyncrasies in their speech. I really wouldn’t read too much into it.”
“Read everything you want into this,” Trump immediately responded on Twitter from five feet away, from behind the heavy blue curtain that keeps him hidden from reporters, but still able to follow the briefing with the same obsessiveness with which a bad chef listens to people complain about his food.
“If you think this is a provocation than that’s your idea not mine,” he continued, madly hammering at his phone with both thumbs. “I think it’s a provocation that Canada insists on adding the letter ‘u’ to words that we invented, and acting like they’re better than us, but what do I know? Can’t stand the Terrible Lakes. Worst deal in history. Murky Water!”
While not immediately clear what the U.S. president hoped to accomplish with his outburst, other than furthering ruining relations between the historically friendly countries, Canadians were quick to say that if it’s a fight the man wants, it’s a fight the man will get.
“Y’know, it takes a bit to get me going,” said St. Catharines-area dockmaster, Don Stewart, “But this is going to do it for sure. My pop didn’t work forty years moving bulk carriers through heck and high water on the ‘Just Ok Lakes.’ Oh hell no. They were Great then and they’re even better now, and if that Mean Low Water Springs tide of a president thinks otherwise, well he can come have a word about it right here in my office. But he’ll need an appointment. We only see presidents who lost the popular vote on the first Wednesday of every month. But you can let him know that ‘Great’ ones are welcome anytime.”