Hoping To Woo Toronto Voters, Doug Ford Proposes Raised Escalade Lanes Throughout City

As the campaign to be the next premier of Ontario got down to 22-inch rims, Doug Ford threw a hard left across four lanes of metaphorical traffic, while flipping the symbolic bird, to announce that he had a plan to help alleviate Toronto’s traffic snarl. At least for the approximately 1750 Cadillac Escalade drivers the rest of the city thinks are dipshits. 

“We’ve got all these raised bike lanes that as far as I can see are only being used by psychos on bikes, and dudes on electric scooters who got done for DUI’s,” said Ford, speaking from on top of a gas station in Etobicoke. “So what I figure is, let’s just call them ‘Escalade commuter lanes’ and get this city back to what it’s all about: car, cars, cars, for folks, folks, folks.” 

The responses to Ford’s proposal have been divided along fairly predictable partisan lines.

“What a complete idiot,” said a guy on a bike, before sighing and carrying on his zero-carbon, traffic-beating, health-improving way.

“Yeah, hell yeah, Dougie telling’ em how it’s gonna be,” said another man, in a large vehicle with a sticker of Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes, pissing on the planet. “Buncha liberal elites best recognize. Caddies coming through yo. Get yer chin straps on.”

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