For the second time in as many days, Canada’s Prime Minister rose in parliament to offer an apology for a historic wrong against the Indigenous peoples of this land – this one scant hours old, and ongoing: the offensive and racist commentary directed at them following yesterday’s apology for the hanging of six Tsilhqot’in chiefs in British Columbia, in 1864.
Looking genuinely tired of this shit, Trudeau directed the gathered MPs attention to a large screen displaying a sample of the sordid responses made online in the wake of his small step on the road to meaningful reparations with this nation’s original inhabitants. Many of the tweets, posts, and comments had to be heavily censored to comply with the House of Commons rules on appropriate speech.
“Get over it you bleeping bleeps,” Trudeau read in a tone somewhere between disbelief and deep exhaustion. “If bleeping racism really bleeping existed you’d think we’d have seen it by now you no good, lazy, bleeping sons of bleeps.”
“That was in response to an Indigenous person thanking me for yesterday’s apology,” the PM explained, as he continued on, clicking methodically through the clear evidence that Canada’s ugly underbelly has gotten too big for it’s flannel shirt.
“While the flagrant ignorance exhibited here obviously tells us we have an enormous amount of work to do in the task of eliminating systemic racism in this country, I would also add that the number of Canadians seemingly incapable of seeing the irony of using racist comments and stereotypes to state that there is no racism here, also makes me question our entire education system.”
Addressing the many exhortations he received yesterday to “get back to work and fix the economy you big shiny libtard,” the PM expressed sincere bafflement at this stance.
“Apart from the fact our economy is far from broken, this seems a lot like saying just turn up the music at a house party, without anyone asking whose place it is.”
Following the horrifying-but-necessary reprisal of many Canadians publicly posted feelings towards the Indigenous, Trudeau welcomed six representatives from that community to the House floor.
Shaking each of their hands in turn, the prime minister then invited them to share a peace tweet with him.
“Is Canada capable of atoning for past wrongs?” He typed, his message mirroring onto the same screen that had moments before displayed abuse. “Yes. Are there those who feel threatened by this, and use hate and ignorance now to defend hate and ignorance of old? Also yes. Will we stop addressing this painful issue? Not until it is made right.”
The Indigenous representatives solemnly witnessed Trudeau posting the tweet, then shared it in turn themselves, and then pre-emptively turned off their notifications before the online abuse could descend; as Canada continued its wandering shuffle – slowly, hurtfully, and painfully – down the long road to restitution.
Disclaimer: While obviously addressing very real issues, this is a satirical article.
Photo: Canadian Press/Sean Kilpatrick