God Confirms He Is Punishing Alberta

Morgan Freeman, seen here visiting a bone-chilling April on the woe betided province of Alberta.

The Good Lord In Heaven Above today confirmed that he is indeed punishing Alberta with historic low temperatures and Jason Kenney, but would not confirm if those things are related or simply two-parts of a multifaceted retribution.

“Don’t overthink it,” God said from a secluded beach in St. Barths. “Suffice to say I am pissed at the ‘Bertans, and am not planning on warming things up before school lets out for summer.”

God then went on to apologize to the other provinces affected by this weather, explaining that he has to create it in the mountains or it doesn’t get cold enough (sorry B.C.), and that Saskatchewan “and a good hike eastward,” just get caught up in being downstream of his frozen ire.

“And them’s the breaks kiddos. Don’t like it, find an easier God.”

The vague admission caused many Albertans to publicly guess at what exactly has led to their falling out of favour with the great almighty.

“The Oilers have been having an off year,” said a Twitter user going by the handle @WDFreezin. “And the tar sands are an ecological disaster. But Connor McDavid lives here, surely he has an in. C’mon God, don’t be a Leafs fan. Goddammit I’m freezing. In April!”

For more fresh maple satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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