In Unpleasant Twist, Canadian Spring Thaw Reveals Cascading Portals Of Infinite Winter

“I had just finished asking my girlfriend if she didst dare to dream that one day the sun would again warm her upraised face and uncovered arms, when we both saw it at the same time,” says Toronto resident Horace McNulty, describing how he and his partner came to discover one of the many portals into endless winter found across Canada this week.

“It was right over there, along the harbour wall, where the ice was just beginning to melt. A spinning rift in the space-time continuum. Our first thought was maybe it would take us somewhere nice and warm, like Mexico, but no. It just leads to more winter.”

Horace breaks down here and attempts to cry through frozen tear ducts. It isn’t pretty. Nothing is. Because it’s winter. In April.

The portals have been reported from coast to coast, with sightings in the bottom of a bucket in St. John’s, at the foot of the driveway of that neighbour who never shovels in Ottawa, and in a puddle in the West Edmonton Mall parking lot, where three American tourists are believed to have been the first casualties of the depressing phenomenon, after they disappeared into the freezing vortex while trying to find someone to convert the forecast into fahrenheit. 

“It’s total bullshit,” said a man in Montreal called Imoverit, who was only willing to provide his first name. “Who’s ever heard of cascading windows into infinite winter? In April? Sure, I get that its Canada. But that doesn’t mean I have to like wearing my winter jacket nearly a third of the way into the year! Tabernac.” The man then repeated his name with careful emphasis on each syllable, before leaving abruptly. 

The horrid news has made global headlines, with many people not in Canada callously focussing on the scientific implications of the unprecedented event, rather than this nation’s apparently eternal suffering.

“How wonderfully perturbing,” tweeted Neil deGrasse Tyson, shortly after cancelling all plans to ever visit us again. “I used to think space was the final frontier, but it appears it’s actually Canada. We should probably explore that country further to learn what secrets its icy depths hold. Later. With robots.”

And David Suzuki didn’t mince words while holding Prime Minister Trudeau responsible for the fact that none of us can feel our toes.

“While the PM may not have made any direct promises to provide warmer weather, I think the ‘sunny ways’ slogan he campaigned on would imply that this government intended to do better on the key issue of us eventually getting to take our collective shirts off. I think I speak for all Canadians when I say I am still wearing 5 layers, and am not at all happy about that.”

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