Speaking at an NRA convention in Dallas today, Donald Trump told the crowd that as long as he was president of the United States of America, they would not have to worry about losing their guns. There then followed an awkward silence as Trump waited for cheers, and the assembled supporters of the second amendment collectively wondered what that means for their right to bear arms, after Mueller finishes Matlocking Trump out of the Oval Office, and into a small cell.
“With all due respect, that isn’t really very reassuring Mr.Trump,” shouted someone from the back of the Kay Bailey Hutchinson Convention Center. “It seems like the net is closing in on you, much as I hate to say it, and I wouldn’t bet dollars to donuts on your making it through May in office, much less your term. Could you perhaps give us a promise that is further reaching? Because while we appreciate you’re trying to tell us what we want to hear, having our right to bear arms pegged to your viability as commander in chief, is about as comforting as staying in one of your hotels while its on fire. No disrespect. Maybe a little. It seems to happen fairly frequently. Thank you.”
Murmurs of agreement rippled through the large room.
Surprised to not get any cheers in the place he likes to go to get all the cheers, Trump stalled by rapidly moving his hands in and out like a man playing an invisible accordion, or someone trying to signal that he needs both a foot-long and a six-inch sub.
“Guys. You’re the NRA. You’ll do anything to keep your guns. I’m Donald Trump. I’ll do anything to get my votes. We go together like Kanye West and the truth; like Fox News and solid, unbiased reporting – except for the other night with Giuliani, that was weird and totally incorrect. We’re a team, folks. Don’t you worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
At this point the president had to deal with numerous analyses coming at him from members of the audience; as they assessed his legal options, chances of being subpoenaed, further likelihood of then either incriminating himself or committing perjury, and eventually losing his presidency in what can only be described as distressingly-delayed-but-still-deeply-satisfying justice.
Faced with this verbal onslaught from the unarmed gun owners (who – despite advocating for guns in schools, churches, porta-potties, delivery rooms, caskets, and pretty much anywhere a human being has ever, or would ever draw their last breath – were not allowed to bring their guns in with them) Trump beat a hasty retreat.
“Anyway not to worry I’m 180 pounds of pure muscle, the most popular president in history, not going anywhere, and let’s all just give a warm welcome to our next speaker Mike Pence thank you and good night Dallas you’ve been fun.”
Outside the conference center a large gathering of gun control advocates said they were glad to hear that Trump was tying the the right to bear arms to his tenure as president. Setting down her placard for a moment, one woman offered an opinion familiar to many Americans.
“That’s fine by me. Just means we can get rid of two blights on this country with one special counsel.”