Conservative Candidate Out After Openly Stating Conservative Position Close To An Election


Granic Allen, seen here being so unelectably conservative even Doug Ford realizes it.

In late-breaking news yesterday, Doug Ford announced that Tanya Granic Allen would no longer be a candidate for the PC Party of Ontario because “she couldn’t just wait another month.”

“I made it very clear to all the candidates,” Ford said in a rushed news conference held in his mother’s backyard because Uncle Tim was having a nap in the basement and you know how he is. “I said just sit tight on all that ‘anti’ talk until after June 7. Our platform consists of not having two consecutive n’s in our last name and having been out of power for a teenager’s lifetime so nothing currently going on is our fault. We could take a 33 day nap and wake up in power. The only thing we have to fear is talking about all of our fears themselves. But Tanya just couldn’t help herself. So she’s out.”

Granic Allen made headlines this week for being unapologetically Granic Allen, after the Liberals released a video of her telling a Croatian audience that the idea of young people being encouraged to consider gay marriage acceptable makes her want to vomit in disbelief. In a form of justice that could be described as poetic, were it not so gross, upon receiving the news that she was no longer on the Ontario PC ticket, Tanya reportedly vomited in disbelief. 

“She should probably get that looked at,” tweeted Kathleen Wynne, before returning to  her increasingly frantic search for the source of vitriol and hatred currently flooding this province. 

While Granic Allen’s political future is uncertain, rumours early Sunday indicated Alberta’s UCP were likely to pick her up on waivers.

“Truck truck oil,” said Jason Kenney, reached for comment in his garage doing a chin up. “Oil truck truck Granic Allen, oily sands of welcome, truck truck strong borders.”

For his part, Doug Ford was unrelenting in his messaging that now is not the time to talk about anything related to politics.

“Let this serve as a warning,” the gallingly-likely next Premier of Ontario said as the late afternoon sun beamed off his forehead. “Any member of this party who openly discusses what this party is going to do, or represent, once we are in office, will no longer be a member of this party. Remember. We are the Not-Wynne Party. And no, that does not make use the losers.”



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