Man Without Security Clearance Eludes Israeli Security, Gives Speech


Who is this mystery man speaking on behalf of an aspirational superpower?

Israeli security services were left scrambling today, trying to explain how a man with a downgraded White House security clearance was able to infiltrate the opening of the U.S. embassy in Jerusalem yesterday, at one point even seizing the microphone to make vague non sequiturs on behalf of 325 million people who had no idea he’d be speaking for them. 

“At this stage we’ve been able to determine that he has some sort of connection to the Trump family,” said Isaac Bitton, head of security clearances for Mossad, “And may have significant business ties to Israeli financiers, which we are treating as a total coincidence.”

It appears the man may have been part of a delegation from the United States that arrived in Israel on Sunday to officially set peace negotiations in the Middle East back twenty years. The delegation is led by a wealthy fashion designer, who has played a key role in many such politically delicate situations in her extensive sixteen-month diplomatic career as the daughter of the president of the United States.

“Kushner, Kushner, Kushner,” said an aide with a clipboard, running down a list of names outside the Ramada Inn the U.S. delegation is staying in. “Nope, not on the list. Uh no, I’m sorry, there aren’t any elected representatives of the U.S. government here today. Would you like to speak to Steve Mnuchin?”

Photograph by Ronen Zvulun / Reuters

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