Ford Now Down To Reminding Everyone That If Elected He Will Not Run For Mayor Of Toronto


Ford, working the phones in a terrible game of ‘Would You Rather?’

Like a runaway train never going back wrong way on a one-way track, Doug Ford today reminded the one out of every two residents of Ontario who live in or beside the city of Toronto, that if elected premier they won’t have to put up with him running for mayor. 

The thinly veiled threat set off heated debates across the province.

“That’s like someone telling you that if you don’t let them punch you in the back of the neck, they’re going to punch you in the throat,” said an elderly woman outside a Bed Bath and Beyond. “I say how about you just keep your hands to yourself young man?”

“Yeah, that’s a lot like someone asking if you’d rather have your car stolen while you’re out hiking, or having brunch,” said a young man snacking on eggs Florentine during a rest stop on the Kawartha Trail.

“I’m not eligible to vote,” said a visitor from Calgary, “but if I was, I’d say that sounds a lot like trying to decide between having the mountain oysters or the head cheese for an appetizer.”  

“Fine by me,” said John Tory, running through thigh-deep snow with a log on his back.  

In a campaign stop to speak to the party faithful, Ford revealed his long game to a crowd who later admitted they were mostly just there to discuss how awful Kathleen Wynne’s tenure has been, using only the suggestive powers of euphemism. 

“Hello Ontario,” Ford says, to ready cheers. 

“I’m here tonight to tell you I can’t lose.” Bigger cheers.

“Because even if I manage to lose the Ontario election,” the applause crests and begins to back, “I’ll still run for mayor of Toronto!” Mixed reactions all around, with many in the crowd admitting their hearts were set on annoying all of the liberals in the province, not just those living on the shores of a lake.

“And if it looks like I’ll lose Toronto?” Everyone is starting to wonder where this is going.

“I’ll threaten to run federally!” Bemused expressions abound. It’s starting to sound like a lot of losing.

“But that’s the sick genius of it,” says a man watching from the sidelines, who just came over to see what all the fuss was about. “Win-win for him, even if he loses, lose-lose for everyone else, even if he wins. It’s a lot like asking if you want to squander your kid’s education fund at CasinoRama, or at Casino Niagara.”

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