French Immigration Process Now As Easy As Walking Across Sahara, Surviving Med, Scaling Building, Saving Child, Being Videoed, Going Viral, Meeting French President


Mamoudou Gassama, explaining to President Macron that climbing a building was the easiest part of his road to French citizenship.

In an effort to streamline the process for would-be immigrants from Africa and the Middle East – who dream of moving to Europe to become full second-class citizens while being told to go back where they came from – the French government has today announced a new, fast-tracked immigration system. 

“In light of the recent dramatic rescue in Paris, and subsequent nationwide praise of the rescuer as being ‘one of the good ones,’ we have decided to use this situation as a template going forward,” said a spokesperson for the French Immigration and Integration Office, beaming proudly. 

He went on to outline the simplified steps to becoming a French citizen if you’re black, or brown, or just someone Brigitte Bardot probably wouldn’t like.

“The new criteria are very straightforward. Full and immediate citizenship will be awarded to anyone who is any of the following: faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than a locomotive, or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Is that a bird? Non. Is it a plane? Aussi, non. Is it the rarest of all things, a welcomed recent arrival to Europe from Africa? Mais oui!”

Reactions on the streets of Paris to the new initiative were unsurprisingly mixed, coming from a country that as recently as eight years ago had a ministry of national identity. 

“Well sure, we like people who can climb,” said a man who claimed to be named Baguette Boursin, coolly. “But do they share our values? Anyone can cross a desert and a sea and battle ingrained social and bureaucratic prejudices and still have the fight left to scale a building and save a child. What I want to know is, do they know the correct side on which to wear a beret? And what is their favourite Serge Gainsbourg song? And do they hate the English, or just despise them? Alors, this is what matters here.”

For their part, French authorities say the new system will help to alleviate the enormous backlog of residency applications currently in process, with some projections showing as many as one to two recent arrivals being able to qualify for the ‘Superhero Citizenship,’ in its first ten years.

“Otherwise, they will just have to wait,” the ministry spokesperson says, checking his notes as he wraps up the press conference in the airy, gilded hall. “Unless, of course, they are really, really good at soccer.”

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