Effects Of Ambien May Be Literally Everywhere


Elizabeth Eckford, seen here ignoring the effects of Ambien, in 1957.

In the latest development following Roseanne Barr’s confession that it was the popular sleep medication Ambien that made her racist, researchers across the United States and around the world are scrambling to determine just how far back the effects of this bigotry-activating pharmaceutical may go.

“By using known cases and events throughout history that have involved one race abusing or aspersing another, and then viewing these through the prism of the ‘Roseanne Effect,’ explains Dr. Mark Lucas Krane, head of Sociology at the University Of California at Berkeley, “we can see that Ambien could not, in fact, have begun circulating in France in 1988, as previously reported. But must have actually started…” here he pauses, and checks his calculations, “somewhere right around the beginning of human history.”

Also seen in Canadian residential schools.

Needless to say, the discovery sheds an entirely new light on the history of genocide, war, slavery (both formal and informal), and the entire Fox News Network.

“It appears it was all just due to a pill for insomniacs,” confirms noted pharmacologist, Dr. Dre, “Some mother fuckers out there have literally been prescribing racism. Ain’t that America.” 

In response to The Roseanne Revelation – as it is already being referred to, as well as The Barr Bombshell – the manufacturer of Ambien, Sanofi S.A., has released a statement saying that the lady is batshit crazy and are we seriously having this conversation.

“Ms. Barr is many things, but nice, and trustworthy, are not two of them,” a spokesperson for the company said, in a midday press conference that the French Corporation said was by far the weirdest thing that has ever happened to them.

“Needless to say, our medication does not cause racism. If it did we would destroy it and we could all move on with our lives a great deal happier for it, albeit without an all-around mediocre sitcom, in the case of Ms. Barr, and no Apu on ‘The Simpsons.’ No,” the young spokesperson said, looking up from his notes, “unfortunately it is not so easy. There is still, clearly, a great deal of work to do. Let us not waste time. Or votes. Or friendly gestures. Or opportunities to call this shit out. And stand with friends, and strangers, and newcomers, and old timers, and those who have felt this forever, and those for whom it is a fresh horrible, and just be better, people!”

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