DeVos Says Commission To Reduce Teen Pregnancy Rates Will Not Consider The Role Of Penises

lightx-8In a tense exchange before a Senate Subcommittee today, the U.S. Secretary of Education, Betsy Devos, admitted that a recently announced commission dedicated to reducing the rates of teenage pregnancy, will conduct their study irrespective of penises.

This latest revelation came just hours after DeVos stated that a separate review of school safety will not extend itself to considering the role of guns. Which are widely believed to be a factor in school shootings. Instead, that particular commission will focus on proper training in the use of door jams, and hopes to install a nationwide registry for ping-pong balls, which have been known to lead to sprained ankles in as many as 1 in 100 million American children.

While discussing the ground-breaking study into pregnancy rates among high school students, DeVos cheerfully admitted her panel would not consider the mechanics of baby-making, or tools thereof.

“No Jim, you old scoundrel,” she replied to a visibly unimpressed Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt. “We will not be looking at…those parts of the issue. Instead we intend to examine hairstyles that might serve as a deterrent to pre-marital sexual relations, and whether there is a correlation between watching snooker and experiencing pregnant tendencies.”

“Ms. DeVos,” the questioning senator responded, looking tired in the way that only sixteen months of the Donald J Trump administration can make a person. “My name is Patrick. And that is only the second most ridiculous thing you’ve said today. “

The pair of decommissioned commissions appear to be an attempt to play to the Trump gun-owning base, which have made no secret of the fact that they don’t like being told to holster their pistols.

Also announced today were two additional landmark studies requested by President Trump: one into skin cancer, that will avoid considering the effects of the sun. And another into the causes of milk mustaches; irregardless of the byproducts of cows, almonds, soy, coconuts, or rice.


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