In a sudden and unexpected about-face, the iconic American motorcycle company Harley-Davidson, today announced that their newest model will no longer be named the MAGAnator, as they had promised President Cheeks to keep him sweet; but will instead be called the Wall Glide, in what is believed to be the first naturally aspirated, V-twin, Hiawatha-headlamped trolling of a sitting United States President in history.
And they have already sold out.
“This company has survived two World Wars, a Great Depression, a mostly inaccurate perception of bikers as criminals and outlaws, and having to answer to shareholders who care more for the growth of their dividends than they do that of their mutton chops,” said Aincher Buddy, spokesperson for the venerable motorcycle manufacturer. “If you think we’re going to be intimidated by a guy who couldn’t ride two wheels to save his softail, you’ve got a lot of turnpike left to travel.”
The escalation in road warrior metaphors comes hard on the kickstand of Donald Trump opening his throttle at Harley-Davidson earlier today, after the U.S. president took exception to the company’s insistence on doing business according to free market economics, rather than co-operating with the new model of American capitalism which – oddly enough – relies on overt government interference, and intimidation.
Following a threat from the president to tax the saddle bags out of the corporation if they didn’t make a bike entirely out of American flags and apple pie, Harley-Davidson called a press conference to announce their intention to continue being a large company, and not Donald Trump’s token biker bro.
“So with no further ado let me present to you our new line of Wall Glides,” said Mr. Buddy, pulling back the curtain on a gleaming, state-of-the-art, touring motorcycle “made specifically for riding in countries not being run by a thin-skinned despot. For example Canada, Mexico, Germany, or the vast majority of other nations.”
Saying the motorcycle was built to cruise along the tops of a variety of wall surfaces, from chain link, to barbed wire, to the lush privacy hedge Canada has installed and no longer dares peek through, Mr. Buddy invited Americans to heed the call of the open road, and use this wall-scaling machine to traverse the increasingly closed borders, leaving their worries behind.
While detractors say the company’s approach – which will clearly antagonize a president so desperate for public genuflection that he began campaigning three years in advance of the next U.S. election – may prove to be one that Harley comes to regret, the corporation said to eat their dust.
“With an ever-increasing number of baby boomers looking to rebel against the fading of their days, via the questionable medium of unchecked consumerism,” Aincher opined closing the presser by climbing on a Wall Glide and keying the ignition. “This company isn’t going anywhere. Except maybe Thailand for assembly.”
He revved the engine. A steady rumble of throaty fuck-yous filled the room. Buddy nodded, and rolled out. Off beyond the walls, the open road was calling.