Two Weeks Into Doug Ford’s Term, Toronto Police Warn Of Threat To Public Safety

Saying that they have received unconfirmed, uncorroborated reports that a group of revenge-motivated voters have elected the first complete nincompoop in Ontario history, Toronto Police fanned out across the city today in an attempt to reassure spooked residents and visitors that the tweets are still safe, no matter how many newly-emboldened Conservative trolls would tell you otherwise.  

“While we cannot release the full nature of our sources, or what we have been told, we can confirm that we are investigating whether a close relative of Rob Ford has somehow managed to gain access to a higher office in this province,” said a TPS spokesperson, looking grim. “We are encouraging everyone in the city to carry on with their usual business, but would also ask that they maintain a heightened awareness of their surroundings, especially in regards to how much things have changed since 1998.”

The announcement was made at the foot of the CN Tower. Despite the safety concerns the popular attraction remained open, rising like a giant middle finger high into the July sky overhead, its shadow stretching all the way to Queen’s Park, where it reached Premier Ford’s office, and gently – but ominously – fell across his desk with the quiet intent of a whispered “Fuck you.”

“With the Foo Fighters playing here this evening,” the spokesman continued, gesturing over his shoulder at the Rogers Centre behind him, “now would seem as good a time as any to remind all those concerned about the apparent capitulation of progress and reason in our current provincial government, that it is at times like these you learn to live again. It’s times like these you give and give again. It’s times like these you learn to love again. And it’s times like these time and time again. Now if there are no further questions I have some reading to do on the subjects of human sexuality, cyber-bullying, and the gender spectrum, so as to be sure to keep my children informed over the next four years.”

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