Green Day Under Increasing Pressure To Release ‘Canadian Idiot’

The band says they are quickly running out of reasons to say no.

Following Doug Ford’s announcement yesterday that he was unilaterally taking his revenge on the voters of Toronto – and their crazy need for a ‘costed platform,’ and ‘politicians with an abundance of perspicacity, rather than perspiration’ – by cutting the number of councillors serving them by half; the calls for Green Day to recut their recently repurposed song ‘American Idiot,’ have become strident.

“It’s getting so a guy can barely roast his fair trade coffee in peace,” said the band’s lead singer, Billy Joe Armstrong, pausing in the small batch creation of an Atomic Garden Blend. “There are some really pissed off people up there in Ontario right now, man. And I don’t blame them. Y’know, I’ve got half a mind to do like they’re asking and drop a new single. That’s right. ‘Canadian Idiot.’”

After the original version of that song became the United Kingdom’s unofficial welcome music for the current U.S. president – a little-known, reclusive figure named Donald Trump, who is rumoured to be a few threads short of a suit – it seemed only a matter of time before the clamour began for a CRTC-approved version of our own.

And while the line-up of Canadian bands who could, and happily would, sing the song is almost as long as the potential candidates it might be applied to (Jason Kenney and Andrew Scheer are nipping at Ford’s Oxfords in being too vain to realize that song could be about them) the consensus amongst Ontarians is that since DoFo best represents a mindless political mutation recently imported from the U.S., it makes sense that an American super-band immortalize his immodest incompetence.

From scrapping a cap-and-trade system with billions already invested in it, to turning the clock back on sexual education all the way to The Flintstones, to slashing mental health supports when clearly the province has never needed them more, Ford has raised significant ire in Ontario during his short tenure as premier; as well as questions about his ability to operate a can opener, much less a complex government representing 13.6 million people. Including TORONTO.

“They don’t have to change the rest of the lyrics,” said one of the 4.5 million residents of Ontario’s largest city who, as of 5:00 PM today, had signed a petition asking Green Day to provide some music to this misery.

“I don’t mind if they dub in the word ‘Canadian.’ Just get me a song that I can blast at full volume, in my car, with the windows down, while doing laps around Queen’s Park and shaking my fist at this mockery of our democratic system.”

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