Designers Close To Making 3D-Printable Politicians Who Won’t Take Donations From NRA

With an Obama prototype already created, designers are quickly moving to replicate Stephen Colbert.

Basically it’s a downloadable, 3D-printable politician who looks and acts a lot like Barack Obama but is neutral-coloured so white folks will listen,” says Tim Kena, head of research and survival at Use Your Words, a San Francisco-based design firm dedicated to making it harder for Americans to shoot each other. 

“When we first started exploring the potential of 3D printers, we focussed on making things like printable bullet-proof vests, conflict-resolving games of tic-tac-toe, and little buttons that said ‘Hey, I’m someone’s kid and they are not going to be very happy with you if you take my life just because I didn’t merge into traffic the way you wanted.’ But none of those efforts proved effective. Tic-tac-toe was an especial flop, as it turns out that in a tense situation, no one wants a tie.” 

Mr. Kena says that it wasn’t until he and his team turned their attention to the main facilitator of America’s absurdly high gun fatality rate, that they realized they’d been thinking too small. 

“It happened while we were messing around with printing Canadians, looking for ways to replicate their aversion to firearms. We got a pretty decent likeness of Keanu Reeves on our first try, and his first words were: Make it happen. Which was weird – and pretty commercial considering the real Keanu’s paid relationship with Squarespace – but also prophetic, as moments later we knew what we had to do: make a printable congressperson who wouldn’t take money from the National Rifle Association.”

With the United States just days away from being able to print their way into a civil war started by untraceable, undetectable, printable handguns, the development couldn’t come at a better time. Other than any point in the last 241 years. 

Kena says that apart from being not especially great for the environment, there really isn’t a downside to the anti-blood-money politicians. 

“They’re single-use lawmakers,” he explains, addressing concerns that the printable legislators could be used for more nefarious purposes, such as getting cozy with foreign powers like Russia, and then treating close allies – like Canada – as enemies, for reasons that are anything but transparent.

“They’re a simple, resin-and-plastic solution to a current problem in American politics: public safety talks and corporate money walks.”

Shareable plans for the printable politicos are expected to be online as early as Friday, and Use Your Words expects the life-sized, unbuyable representatives to do especially well in the upcoming November midterms.

“If 2016 taught us anything, it’s that having realistic skin colouration is no longer a prerequisite to getting elected. So yes, we believe these graft-proof, scandal-free, hypoallergenic congresspeople will be very popular.”

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