In an announcement as expected as it is understandable, the office of United States Vice President Mike Pence today declared that under no circumstances will the veep allow himself to be alone within a flying roundhouse kick’s distance of Steven Seagal, thus adding the hopefully-retired action movie mainstay to a list that includes women, daddy-long-legs, full strength beer, reporters, and double chocolate chip cookies.
The statement comes in response to Russian President Vladimir Putin appointing Mr. Seagal in charge of being Hard To Kill, Above The Law, and The Perfect Weapon.
“The Bible makes itself extremely clear on the matter,” said Mr. Pence’s press secretary, Alyssa Farah, shortly before going into hiding in a log cabin in Alaska with two bodyguards who would later prove no match for a hitch-hiking Seagal.
“If the majority of movies thine enemy has starred in have included the words ‘die,’ ‘kill,’ or ‘attack,’ thou shalt not meet him without the presence of heavily-armed guards, a briefcase full of cash chained to your wrist, and a circuitous escape route planned through an abandoned warehouse, lest the scene be over too quickly and viewers be forced to consider how many shekels they paid to watch this. 1 Ebert 20:20.”
Apart from the clear directives The Good Book gives on the matter, Ms. Farah added that when Mr. Pence met Mrs. Pence he swore he would never allow himself to be alone with a man with shifty eyes and fast hands. A promise that he has been assisted in keeping by the generally slow reflexes of most Republicans.
“My wife likes my features the way God made them,” the vice president later stated, in a phone call from an unspecified Chick-fil-a.
“Chiselled, resolute, and with my nose unsullied by anyone’s Fists Of Fury. With that in mind, if Mr. Seagal would like to meet with me to discuss relations between the United States and a man with nothing to lose, I would be more than happy to do so from behind a crowd of bodyguards who are inexplicably terrible at shooting Uzis. Now if you’ll excuse me my waiter looks very familiar. Narrow eyes. A widow’s peak. Pony tail…oh dear God.”