With the beginning of the 2018-2019 school year fast approaching in Ontario, large retailers have started rolling out sales on items designed to facilitate the next generation in their quest to achieve the prime directive of this once-great-and-soon-to-be-even-greaterest province: Cheap. Beer.
“Oh look mom, this one has a unicorn on it, frolicking in clouds of foamy brew,” says an excited eight-year-old, bypassing the pencils, rulers, and graph paper and heading straight for a beer guzzler helmet, like any child who has been properly raised to value suds over science will. “It even comes with stickers that say ‘Ford the People’!”
The sales coincide with Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s announcement that rather than underwrite such frivolous expenditures as a basic income pilot, repairs to schools, already contracted green projects, and any hope for the future; the newly elected PC government will continue to focus their efforts where they are needed most: Cheap. Beer.
Competition to outfit school-aged children in the appropriate attire for this halcyon future is fierce, with Walmart offering the thirst-quenching hats for as little as $4.99 when you buy any “I don’t really care, do u?’ sweatshirt, and Canadian Tire giving them away with any fill-up of a gas-powered bicycle or skateboard.
“I’m just so grateful that this is what going back to school looks like for my children,” says one Toronto mother of three, watching her children fight over the last red beer funnel in the sale bin.
“I used to be so worried about making the basketball team, and whether or not I’d get to be first trumpet that year. But my kids don’t have those sorts of concerns! Soon extracurriculars will be a thing of the past, as antiquated as a government with a costed platform. Leaving our children, and indeed all of us, to focus on the strand that ties all progressive nations together: Cheap. Beer.”