While saying that they can’t say specifically when they might have been recorded calling Donald Trump an expletive that starts with the letter F, rhymes with schmuck, and best describes what the current U.S. president has done to American foreign relations, millions of Canadians are today admitting it is ‘extremely likely’ that such a tape exists.
“It could have been yesterday, it could have been five minutes ago, it could have been any time I’ve read the news in the last two years,” said a randomly-selected Canadian, walking down a residential street in Toronto.
“While I don’t make a habit of recording my conversations, let me put it this way: if someone made a voice note, left a message, or sent an audio Whatsapp to someone else from anywhere in my immediate vicinity between late 2016 and now, there is a 96.8% chance they will have captured my calling Trump a febrile fuckhead, flying fuckwomble, or straight up fuckity-fucking-fuckerer.”
The news comes as rumours swirl regarding the existence of a recording of the U.S. president, one in which he uses a singularly offensive term to summarize his well-documented, hidden-in-plain-sight feelings towards African-Americans. And, similarly to that recording, the disclosure that millions of Canadians think he’s a french-fry-fuelled-factory-of-fuckery, comes as no shock.
“My surprise at hearing that that flaccid piece of walking foie gras has been recorded calling black people the n-word is precisely as great as my surprise that all but three Canadians have been recorded calling that man an unfavourable f-word, ” says a Molly Mochary, of Moncton, New Brunswick.
“Which is to say not one fucking bit.”