Canada Reaches Agreement In Principle With US Negotiators To Just Ignore Donald Trump

Canada’s Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland, United States Trade Representative Robert Lighthizer, and a really loud guy.

Imagine you are speaking to a close, and dear friend,” said Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, Chrystia Freeland, speaking today as she boarded a flight to Washington to resume working with the current iteration of the United States government on the subject of trade. 

“And while talking to your friend about your shared driveway, you notice that they have a large, angry pimple on their face that is screaming, ‘Look at me! I am a pimple! Look at my inflamed, embarrassing existence on this face! Aren’t I brash?! Aren’t I the most audacious pore you ever saw?’ Well. Does that pimple speak for your friend? No. Of course not. The pimple speaks only for the pimple, and your neighbour would almost certainly appreciate it if you would just be a good buddy, pretend not to notice, and get on with the whole driveway chat you guys have every once in awhile.”

The blistering analogy comes as millions of Canadians carefully sifted through today’s news that their country has been left out of a trade deal between the United States and Mexico, only to discover that, in fact, Donald Trump is just in very deep personal trouble and would prefer to talk about anything but that.

In response to hearing that the U.S. president is saying things while his world folds in on him like an expensive suit of poor quality; the dollar remained unmoved, and the markets carried on completely as they were.

For her part, while clearly game to delve deeper into her ‘Zit Of The Free World’ metaphor, Ms. Freeland unfortunately had to cut things off there as she didn’t want to be late for her meeting with American trade negotiators, whom she has often referred to as: “Reasonable, hard-working, well-informed people, who share nothing in common with their blemish-in-chief.”

“Yes, I would say that’s accurate,” Ms. Freeland did add as she departed, responding to one last question. “This trade process has been a lot like trying to have Thanksgiving dinner without your friend’s pug feeling left out. Sometimes you just have to pass the stuffing quietly.” 

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