Despite having no shortage of reasons to pen the now-infamous NY Times op-ed, America’s next closest ally – after Mexico, Russia, Israel, North Korea, the Philippines, England sometimes, Europe once in a while, most of Africa, and all other ratified nations – has today stated that it would never insult Donald Trump. Anonymously.
“Apart from obviously not being a part of either Mr. Trump’s inner or outer circles of distrust, if we decided to write an opinion editorial on the subject of that man’s gross incompetence, we would damn well sign it,” Canada stated from its new capital, high in the Arctic Circle, where it recently moved in preparation to hibernate until 2020, or however long this shitshow takes.
The statement was issued in response to speculation – rife amongst many of Trump’s enablers – that Canada has both the motive and access to the U.S. president; and has long been suspected of possessing the technology required to make words into complete sentences.
These factors, along with the likelihood that many Canadians have read a newspaper some time in the past two years, has raised suspicions that the world’s second largest nation may have put their icey ire into ink.
“While it would be weird to describe an entire country as a ‘senior official,'” noted leading Covfefeologist, Ronald Gump, referring to the Times’ published description of the author of the article as being within Trump’s administration. “It’s possible this is a diversion, placed in the article to throw Trump off, thus sparing the Canadians from being covered in fake tan, were things to get physical.”
“No. We aren’t afraid to get our hands orange,” the Canucks said in response to Gump’s posit.
“While there have been many times lately when our nation’s various representatives have been the only adults in a room with the president, we don’t need the assistance of the NY Times to make this information public. We’ve made it clear from the outset that we think Donald Trump is to good governance as a sledgehammer is to watch maintenance. That’s our opinion. Right there. No need to get Ed involved. He agrees.”