Doug Ford Moves Ahead With Plan To Make Ontario Place An Offshore Tax Shelter

The new development promises affordable tax avoidance starting in the low millions.

Because who doesn’t have millions of dollars they can afford to keep in remote accounts with limited access purely to avoid paying tax?” asked Ontario Premier Doug Ford today, sporting what is known in the business as ‘an investor’s tan,’ as he addressed reporters outside of Queen’s Park, shortly after announcing his proposal to turn Ontario Place into the Eh-Man Islands.

“I’ve spoken to thousands of Ontarioites over the past 300 years, and what I keep hearing time and time and time again is that what your average worker really wants is a tax shelter they can walk to, preferably one that displaces a park, green space, or outdoor entertainment facility.”

The proposal, understood to be the first of its kind in North America, presumably because it is totally illegal, has caught many Torontonians by surprise.

“While I don’t know if I really want to look at vacant buildings housing hundreds of shadow corporations and banks,” said Tony Lagorda of Parkdale, as he walked along Lakeshore Blvd. (which would be renamed Offshore Easy Street if the plan goes through), “I did find a buck-and-a-quarter in the couch last week that I’ve been wondering how to keep from the man. Maybe a local tax shelter could be a good thing? God knows that beer-for-a-dollar program has been a runaway sensation.”

The premier was quick to brush off questions as to how many of the 80,000 jobs he managed to drop out of Ontario’s economy last month would be recouped by the only-on-paper financial institutions he proposes placing 50 metres off of Toronto’s waterfront.

“Folks times three. As everyone knows, and seems surprisingly ok with, one of the many ways wealthy people stay wealthy is by using a small part of their wealth to pay people to help them hide the rest of their wealth through a series of loopholes, vagaries, and workarounds that erode the underpinnings of society by reducing our governments’ funding, who then do things like cut education budgets, basic income pilots, and planned infrastructure projects, to stay afloat.”

Here Ford paused for a breath, and to collect his thoughts. 

“So I think the obvious question is: why can’t we have one of these right here in The Six? Ideally with a drive-thru.”

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