An extraordinary scene is said to have unfolded in the Oval Office this afternoon, as Donald Trump – moved to respond to the recently published allegations that he is an ignoramunt … an umbilicile … a dwitim … a not very smart guy – searched everywhere for a pen with which to write an abomanus … an astrologist … an erogenous … a secret note.
“Where is my writing stick?!” he reportedly shouted, while opening drawers, patting his pockets, searching his bangs, and accusing Canada of stealing his inker.
When his aides eventually worked out what the president was referring to, they quickly produced a pen and paper. It was then that things began to get weird.
“Dear failing NY Times,” Trump began, saying each word distinctly while wielding his writing utensil with the ease and flourish of a preschooler.
“You don’t know me – actually you do but if I make a bigly deal out of it, it’ll ruin the fact that I am writing this aronimisty … astonishingly … monstrosilisty … it would make it bad.”
Here the president paused, asked everyone in the room to close their eyes, and then continued – still saying each word aloud.
“Let me begin by saying that I have never loved anything as much as I love Donald Trump. I am not Donald Trump, and I don’t know why you would immediately assume that I am, but he is the best large-handed person with great hair I have ever had the joy to share a liver with. Just kidding. He doesn’t share.
“Recently it has come to my attention that someone in the White House administration wrote a lot of words, secretly, in your website. Why don’t you have a TV show? Your news is exhausting. Anyway, some of those words said not-nice things about the president. The rest of them said other things. I didn’t read it. Why would I? It’s just a lodestar. Whatever that means. Tell me what that means. Forget it. I can see why you’re failing. Failures.
“Senator John McCain once said it best when describing Donald Trump. He said, ‘Trump is a gift that is its own wrapping paper, and whose endowment the world is unworthy of.’ I’m paraphrasing there. Which, as you know, means I’m quoting word for word. Look it up.
“Let me cut to the race. I’m writing to tell you that there is absolutely no resistance in the Trump administrone … admenstruation … adlibnation … group of people who do things. If you took a multimeter and placed one probe on Mike Pence, and the other on John Kelly, your meter would read zero ohms, and both men would think you were crazy. Additionally, if you asked if anyone in the Oval Office wanted a jelly donut, everyone would say yes. Likewise, if you said we have to separate families at the border indefinitely to prove that we are right, no one would say no. There is no resistance in that White House. None. Trust me.
“So why am I writing this? Because Donald J. Trump once gave me hope that I, who was born a pretty well-off white guy with all of the possible advantages, could one day be a really well off white guy with all the advantages. I guess you could say I owe him one. Billions! Well gotta run. America isn’t mozzarella. It can’t grate itself.
Not Donald J. Trump”