“Show me where it says I have to wear anything at all,” the premier of Ontario is said to have demanded this morning, before proceeding to undo his zip, drop trou, and become the first elected politician in Canadian history to ever invoke the infamous ‘notwithstanding pants’ clause.
The odd demonstration of what someone can get away with if they simply have no shame, concern for their legacy, or sense, caused an immediate uproar of horror amongst MPPs on both sides of the aisle. To which Doug Ford responded that they should just be grateful he was wearing a jacket.
“That the No Pants Provision exists is common knowledge,” explains Dr. Trey De Liteley, a leading expert in basic human norms. “But what is unusual about Mr. Ford is his willingness to invoke it for no obvious reason other than because people would really rather that he didn’t.”
Coming as it does the day after he became the first Ontario premier to use the arguably less-civilized, even more controversial, notwithstanding (with pants) clause to override a judge’s ruling that ‘I know you are but what I am’ does not a legal defence make, this latest action was viewed by many in Ontario as a completely unnecessary provocation.
“Just because you win a majority government, doesn’t mean you can just throw three decades of consensus-building on the issue of wearing pants out the window,” said NDP Leader Andrea Horwath. “Personally I’m not a big fan of bras or belligerent old men, yet here I am, putting up with both.”
Ford has said that so long as there are activist judges being appointed by whoever appoints them, to do whatever it is they do, trying to tell him that pants are functional pieces of clothing that keep us warm and provide a minimum level of hygiene for everyone around us, he for one will not be wearing them.
“It may snow. It may rain. It may mosquito. But I swear on my now-visible compression socks that I will not wear pants until someone explains to me why I should conform to the niceties and traditions of this office. And if you have a problem with that, you can speak to the people of Ontario.”
While they were not, as a whole, immediately available for an interview, the citizens of Ontario did release this statement:.
“Mr. Ford never mentioned not wearing pants in his campaign. Yes. We have regrets.”