Conclusion: Saudis Have Spent Too Much Money With Other Countries To Have Possibly Killed Journalist

img_7822As the mystery continues to grow as to where the Saudi dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi is, and why he went there, and who with, and how he managed to depart the Saudi Arabian consulate in Istanbul without being seen by the same bristle of cameras surrounding the building that saw him enter, and what was the team of professional killers he met with doing with a bone saw in their luggage; one thing remains clear: whatever happened, it had nothing to do with the super generous Saudi Arabian government to whom all countries are extremely grateful.

“Oh sure, you could look at this and say that the Saudis had motive, opportunity, and a carefully orchestrated plan involving two planes, a dozen men, that bone saw, a black van, and nothing even approaching plausible deniability. But what do we really know?” asked a high-level official in the United Kingdom, noting that Saudi shoppers account for nearly 75% of all Jaguar sales, making it nearly impossible for them to have murdered someone they had threatened in the past.

In the United States, President Donald Trump said that while the whole thing looked bad, and probably a little sad, he for one was glad of the $110 billion dollars in investment the Saudis had agreed to add to the American economy, clearly ruling out the possibility of Riyadh having anything to do with the disappearance.

For his part, Russian President Vladimir Putin – himself credited with creating the newly-popular form of travel known as ‘assassination tourism’ – said that the accusations were as baseless as the poisoning allegations recently directed at his own government.

“This just casual party of elite forces enjoying time off,” Putin said, cracking his knuckles and not bothering to blink. “Who doesn’t like cathedral? Or Blue Mosque or whatever. Maybe people who write lies shouldn’t live so close to nice building. Maybe that is lesson, no?”

And China – who currently has over 100 journalists detained in its prisons – said that accidents are just all too common when it comes to people who make their living writing truths unpopular with authoritarian establishments.

“Those laptops and their batteries,” the Asian power said in a cryptic statement, released earlier today, “they can be so very, very volatile.”

Experts in international crime say that while the Khashoggi case isn’t closed yet, the weight of evidence pointing to the Saudi regime having done this makes it impossible to accuse the extravagantly rich Saudi regime of having done this.

“You have to be very careful when accusing another country of committing a crime,” says Jacob Levy, a former plumber for Mossad. “Remember, when dealing with foreign powers there is always the presumption of wealthy until proven willing to invest even more.”


This is a satirical article. But if you support freedom of the real press – of those who fight a battle we all benefit from, and never more so than now – then please consider donating to the Freedom of the Press Foundation or the Committee To Protect Journalists. Thank you.

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