New Quebec Premier Promises To Discriminate In Both Official Languages


Legault, seen here not wearing a watch and tie, but rather a habitual time piece and neck warmer that his father taught him to knot.

“The crucifix is not a religious symbol. No, seriously,” said Quebec’s newly-elected Premier, François Legault, speaking yesterday from a symposium on the role of utterly undisguised bullshit in early 21st century politics. “Alors, en Français: Le crucifix n’est pas un symbole religieux. Non, sérieusement.”

The statement was an early indication that residents of Quebec can expect to receive their newly-elected government’s unconstitutionally discriminatory policies in both official languages, as per the constitution.

“Nothing is more important than respecting the rights of the citizens of Quebec to receive our message of exclusion and intolerance in both English and in French, a language adopted by the entire nation of Canada to illustrate that this country is about inclusion and tolerance. I see no contradiction there.  Je n’y vois aucune contradiction.”

The bilingual exchange took place when a reporter pressed Legault to comment on whether the crucifix – long-rumoured to be the inspiration for hot-cross buns, which Jesus invented in the year 0, shortly before becoming the world’s greatest carpenter and  inspiring generations of DIYers to build churches, gallows, and nativities – would also be banned under the Quebec leader’s proposed ban on public servants wearing religious symbols.

“No. Non. No. Because, unlike all of the other religious symbols that have been in our province for hundreds of years, the crucifix is part of history,” Legault said, while not bothering to look like he actually believes this merde himself.

“It is more cultural than religious. C’est plus culturel que religieux.”

Reactions across the province were mixed.

“The first Jewish congregation formed in Montreal in 1760, Hindu temples have existed for nearly a hundred years, mosques nearly as long,” said a man in Quebec City, wearing a Habs shirt, Raptors hat, and Red Sox earrings. “And it should be said that if this is a ‘whoever was here first makes the rules’ scenario, the Algonquin, Iroquois, and Inuit peoples probably have a few thoughts on all of this. Maybe we should ask them?”

Other citizens of the province said that while they agreed that the crucifix was a cultural symbol (one man said that his family’s ornamental cross had doubled as his first hockey stick, and was frequently used to hold the raclette at communal gatherings) they thought this whole issue was about as important as a Toronto weather report.

But a significant contingent of voters were unabashed in their support for the oddly specific policy, and its Montreal-pretzel justifications.

“The crucifix isn’t religious, this isn’t discriminatory, and my ability to repeat this in French due to our country having been founded on a matrix that is fundamentally inclusive in no way undercuts my argument. Alors, en Français …”

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